mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
