I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
