im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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