you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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