hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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