Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
