ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
