I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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