that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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