Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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