I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
