Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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