I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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