i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
