You can't motorboat a personality
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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