I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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