You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
