It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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