just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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