I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
