just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
