It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
