The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
