i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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