1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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