Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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