I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
