I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
