Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
