Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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