So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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