i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
