even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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