I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
