Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
