i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize