I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
