I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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