its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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