Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
