Who did Billy Mays play for?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
