I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
