It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
