now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
