A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
