On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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