Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
