can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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