Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
