Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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