Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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