I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
