I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
