Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
