u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
