all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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