have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
